Unnoticed Miracles

When I decided to leave my missionary journey, one of the first things my mom asked me was, “Have you seen any miracle?” One of the things that impressed her so much from the missionaries’ stories was the story of miracles. She had hoped that I would see at least one miracle. I’d only been there for less that a couple of months, and half of the time I was there I had been constantly sick and in pain. I had not raised a dead man back to life, or purified the heart of a village witch, or been seen guided by a big white angel.

But when I was asked about miracles, I thought of the weekends in mid-February in 2008. At that time I was involved in Indonesian students’ activities in Singapore, and one of the big events we had was an intercollegiate sports competition. There were plenty of problems, of course, but the one problem that really worried me was one that I knew I had no power to control, that of nature. In those months, Singapore had been showered by heavy rains. The rainy days in Singapore were usually unpredictable, but when it occurred practically everyday like in February 2008, it became predictable — it rained everyday. And to have sports competition in the outdoor, with some performances to boot, rain would be a big hindrance. Think how we should carry those big and heavy loud speakers under pouring rains to safety!

However no one (normally) orders nature around. So I looked to one who has powers over all the earth. I asked my friends in the Christian fellowship to pray. I asked everyone in the committee to pray. It was my weekly request for months. Yet, it kept raining almost everyday, and in the days leading up to the D-day, it rained EVERY-day. Miraculously, when D-day came, it did not rain, not a single drop. It was a hot and sunny day! In fact, in the only two weekends that we held the sports competition, it did not rain at all. All the other days rained. I was so glad that I emailed everyone in the committee saying that from now on whenever I see the rain, I would think of this day. I did not, of course. But when I thought of miracles, I thought of those miraculous weekends, the only hot and sunny weekends out of the days of rain.

I’ve seen other miracles, too. To me, it was a miracle that we had a successful SMUKI’s first musical production back in 2007, especially when I thought of all the conflicts, inexperience, immaturity and me breaking down just five days before the show. Well, it was probably a miracle too that of all universities I ended up in SMU. It was a miracle that I survived ninth grade. It was a miracle when I saw children without legs and arms actually danced. It was a miracle when the community service project to Aceh I was involved in received thousands of dollars of donation just within three days before our departure day, really saving us from the red. It was a miracle when I decided to turn left instead of the usual right and was pleasantly surprised by the decision. It was a miracle when I accidentally met my best friend, had an unplanned lunch, and realized that it was probably one of our last meetings on earth.

I did not see resurrection from the dead or angels holding my feet when I could not take another step during the time I was on that missionary campus. But I did not faint as many thought I would when my team got lost in the jungle. I had my friends held my hands when I could not walk and supported me on their shoulders when my legs were about to give away. These were not conventional miracles, but that was my resurrection and they are my angels. I indeed saw miracles, unnoticed as they may seem to be to most people.

And I think, we all see miracles in our lives — the small, unnoticed miracles. Even our existence is a miracle. Out of millions of sperms and hundreds of eggs, out of the many combination of couple there could be on earth, here we are, genetically unique.

 

-me-
Jakarta, Saturday, 3 September 2011, 2:34AM.

In A Year’s Time

Perhaps I should’ve written this when I turned 25. Or on the 24th of July. Or probably on the 10th. Probably I should’ve written this in mid-February when I was lying on bed in a hospital in a city I’d never quite known. As I laid that first night, waiting for a call that never came, I wondered how on earth I ended up where I was. I thought of where I was then, and where I was a year ago. Exactly a year ago, I would never have thought I’d end up in a hospital, in a third class ward shared with seven others. But a lot of things had happened between last February and this.

A year ago, I am quite certain I’d been working late — February had always been a busy period for any audit firm. A year ago, I’d been getting news of my grandpa’s deteriorating health. A year ago, I’d been planning my high school best friend’s trip to Singapore, the places we’d go to and the things we’d do. A year ago, I’d most likely been thinking of the future, some five, ten, twenty years from now — the then now. A year ago, I’d never known there’s a missionary campus in Manado. Guess where I ended up exactly a year later.

But a lot of things had happened between last February and this. My friends got married, and one planned and cancelled it. I went to the newly opened Universal Studio’s for the first time, and took my first roller coaster ride in years, holding my best friend’s hand in mine. My grandfather passed away, and, after years thinking I was such a coward to avoid watching any horror movie, I ended up sleeping less than a couple of meters away from my grandpa’s dead body in the funeral house. I went up to Monas for the first time in my adult life. I also managed to drag my best friend to see museums and old parts of Jakarta during my 3-week holiday. Then to see her gray face with make-ups I knew she would never want to be found dead wearing, and that skirt too. To see her coffin glued. Then lowered to the ground. And finally buried. After years thinking that I would never cry in a funeral, I had never found myself cried as hard as I did in that mid of July.

A lot of things had happened between last February and this. I left my job, and my second home. I left my position, association, friends, roads, and views. I left the city. I thought, I would try that less travelled road at least once. And I ended up in a hospital, where most people usually ended up, I guess. Life is funny. What had happened and where I would chart my course of life, I had never seen or even thought of them. I’d never thought I would mend an almost forgotten friendship. I’d never thought I would be buried in the water by a pastor before I was 30, or even registered myself in any denomination. I’d never thought I’d give up power. I’d never thought I’d go for the broke. I’d never thought I would trade an urban life for getting lost in a jungle for 16 hours and ended up getting cramps in my whole body that was so painful I cried out for a drug that would just knock me out. I’d never thought I’d ever be admitted to a hospital except for childbirth. Well, I also would never thought someone I knew so well could die within just three days at such a young age.

How did I end up in a hospital that February? But a lot of things had happened between last year and that February, things I had never thought of. Was it so weird then that I found myself in a hospital ward that night?

Even then, a lot of things had happened between that February and today, things I frankly had never thought either. I had tried to biblically explain about ghosts to a family member of one of the patients in my ward. I had suffered more painful cramps. I had quit that campus in that little town. I had been back to the big cities. I had sent emails to an address I knew had been master-less. I had listened to stories and saw things I thought had been buried when I was in fourth grade. I had visited a grave that I know was soul-less and talked to the wind and flowers and stones. Who would’ve thought that I’d lay flowers in commemoration of a one-year death anniversary? Who would’ve thought I’d see a birthday reminder of a dead person on my facebook? It is not fair, I thought, to say a happy birthday to people when I could not to this one person.

To be frank, I had not thought I’d even reach 24 too. When one has seen how Death could so swiftly take lives away, I think one cannot help to think that Death too could visit one’s bed any day now. But I reached 24, and each day after. And I reached 25 too. In a way, I am satisfied. 25 is good enough, and perhaps more than what I thought I could be. I had once thought I’d never reach this far. Then again, I have an unfulfilled promise I have to keep.

In that hot mid-February as I laid on a bed in hospital in a strange town on my own, and thought of how the things that had happened in the past one year had been unthinkable, and how in just less than a year I had suffered both the worst emotional and physical pains I had ever experienced thus far in my life, it came to me that a lot of things could also happen in the next one year, things that I had never thought of. So don’t ask me where I would be in a year’s time, or next month, or next week. Don’t ask me about the future, five, ten, twenty years from now. Even tomorrow, I frankly do not know. I bet, in a year’s time, I would be in a place I’d never thought of before. A lot of things had happened before, and I guess a lot of things will happen too.

And you know, I’ve written this in memory of that one person who would never be a quarter of a century old. But I heard, she’s kicking up a storm in the East Coast.

 

-me-
Jakarta, 3 September 2011, 1:15AM.

lost

My junior said she admired me for making a big decision of letting go of what I had and that I seemed to have found my purpose in life, and how she, on the other hand, is feeling lost.

She’s wrong.

I’m lost too, and I am choked. I’m regretting. I knew I would have regrets, either way, and I have decided that the regret of leaving would be lighter than the regret of staying. I just didn’t consider the regret of failing.

As I’m falling, and at loss, with such pressure, and bitten lips, I am desperately wishing that I could share what’s inside my broken dam. It crossed my mind that the one on the other side of the wire, that I’ve been knocking to fortnightly, would be able to hear me, but I guess one cannot put too much hope, huh. But I guess the water just evaporates before much of it could flood the field.

I just wish that the vapors can reach the heavens. I have no words for you too.

Don’t admire me. I’m lost too, you know.

Why am I just making entries when I am sad. I can laugh so much too.

Jakarta,
Tuesday, 12 April 2011, 11:54PM
-me-

the visit of my old memory

So I was re-reading the old posts, mostly whiny posts, instead of going to sleep at this 2 o’clock in the morning. I came across a post made some time in 2008, about a dream of an old memory, and a deep longing for it. Again in mid-2009 I wrote about this incessant idee fixe over something that should have been long forgotten.

In my sighs and unspoken desires — something that I am quite sure I would not be asking God, for even a chance of a reunion — I suddenly realized, God listened to my sighs. In the tenth month of last year, my old memory revisited me, afresh. What started as a humble request soon turned to be a regular correspondence, sharing the old days, the new ones, the faraway skies, and the hard grounds. Not so much tugs, and as for me, a little restrain. I do not want to go on a whirlwind journey towards the unknown sky, which I know if I ever did, I would go on that journey as a lone traveller in my own dream.

When I think of it, how can this be so? The memory that I came only to cherish from a little peek now and then, from the old stories I have kept, and from the unruly dreams — it came to me, solid and warm, like I remember it to be. A privilege, for me. Darn you. Darn me. I do not know how long this would go on, and where this would lead. It will lead nowhere, I know, but frankly, I do not want this to end — ah, the memory of my good friend, wouldn’t it be nice if this continued? Not to the faraway sky or even caressing the sun — I’ll reserve that for the one and only — but at least as the ray of sun that dances through the leaves.

And to think that I never even asked God for this. But He listened. He listened to the groanings of my heart.

Why do then I doubt? Why do then I give up? Why do then I become apathetic? This is the God who led me through my tribulations, who held me tight when I wanted to run away, who waited for me when I wandered off, whose paths I could not understand yet had Himself stayed true to me. You have heard the groanings of my heart, even when I myself could not bring myself to utter them, even to groan them. And I know — deep down I know — you’re listening to these groanings in my heart even now at this second, and still waiting for me, and understanding my recklessness and rebellions again and again. Oh the Lord of great endurance, whose mercy passes all reasons, of whom I am not worthy — no, not worthy at all. Oh how I can understand a little, though a little, the heart of David the shepherd, the King, the apple of Your eye… Indeed, You are worthy, I am not.

This trouble… this heartache… this confusion… this loss… this too will come to pass.

Dear God, I shall remember Your faithfulness and count my good blessings.

 

Jakarta
Friday, 8 April 2011, 2:35AM
-me, groaning to my Lord again-

blue moon sky

Look at the moon in the sky so blue

Everyone has the urge to fly

But here on earth we don’t have time

Coz we’re too busy with our works!

——–

A short poem I came up with while swimming at citadine hotel, enjoying unemployed life amidst the hustle bustle of the metropolitan. I came up with a tune as well, but sadly I’ve forgotten that.

 

Jakarta
Friday, 8 April 2010, 1:51AM
-the poet me-

Just Another Groan

What to do when you can’t pray? What to do when you’re at loss with words? What to do when you don’t even know what to write–and you’d always thought yourself as a writer?

I want to vomit. I want to cry out. But I can’t even write into this trash can, to throw away everything that’s bulging inside my belly, that’s so swollen that I think it’s hurting my heart.

Can I call unto my God, the one and only, the faithful and merciful?
I have not been faithful, neither have I been merciful.

This seems like a bad marriage, and I do not want to turn back just because of my need. Hush my prayers. No longer shall I speak of desires and wants and needs. It is not about pride. It is about… not knowing where this relationship is going, or where am I going, or where you are going? You, the Master, do as you will. I shall grind my teeth and swallow my sighs, and probably let slip a few tears.

…… Deep down, as you probably have always, always known, I still hope that you’ll still be there, that you’ll extend your hand to me, and embrace me and bring me where I should be, like you have always done. I can only look back at our history to know that you have always, always been faithful. That imprint of one set of feet on the sand was of you–I was, always, the one who left. And deep down, I hope that I’ll return, again, and again.

I’m just wondering, how long will you be waiting for me? When will I commit the sin agains the Holy one? When will my ears finally be deaf to your loud calling? When will I finally be blind, forever asleep, even in fire?

Why did you not call me when I was with you, when we were happier? Why did you not put me to rest when I could still smile in my sleep?

I grew up to believing that there is something grandiose that I will do, that I will stand to the end to welcome you. And I can only hope that this is the reason that I am still here.

But now I am at loss. And I can only write this useless cryptic sigh.

for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered

Jakarta
Thursday, 7 April 2011, 11:08PM
-me-

2010 Blogging in review (by wordpress itself)

Owner’s note: So I just saw the email from wordpress today. Wow, wordpress is really kind with words. I think my 2010 blogging sucks. Haha.

-me-
Jakarta, Tue 22 Mar 2011

——-

 

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is doing awesome!.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 4,800 times in 2010. That’s about 12 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 4 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 74 posts.

The busiest day of the year was June 9th with 50 views. The most popular post that day was The Fall of Ancient Greece.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were journalight.wordpress.com, bigextracash.com, employmentfor.com, facebook.com, and mail.yahoo.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for arca, fall of ancient greece, the fall of ancient greece, decline of ancient greece, and how did greece fall.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

The Fall of Ancient Greece March 2008
21 comments

2

EY Desktop June 2009
2 comments

3

History & Culture of Majapahit February 2008
12 comments

4

As far as it depends on me, I shall live at peace with everyone February 2008
4 comments

5

Poetry, Beauty, Romance, Love January 2008
1 comment

A Painting That Speaks

So I’m back in Jakarta. I never wrote that I left Jakarta. I only wrote how I left Singapore, and even that, without any explanation of the reason why. I had thought of making this blog more like a diary, but I guess I have never really been a diligent writer, or recorder for that matter. Although, for some reason, I always feel that I am writing this for a specific person.

I left Singapore for Jakarta. And I left Jakarta for Manado. I was supposed to leave Manado for some other place around this time. But that’s a long story. Here I am, ended up in Jakarta again. Home sweet home. I guess God has meant for me to be here.

So I’m back. I was back on 1st March. A lot of questions, a lot of defense. Most importantly, a lot of laughters, and that made me convinced that somehow I was right.

I’ve got nothing to do. Unemployed, practically. Not sure what my future will be. When you’ve planned everything and was so convinced, and things changed course so unexpectedly, how can you be so sure about anything anymore?

As such, with nothing to do, I accompany my grandma for a few days. Yesterday she went for arisan–a gathering of people from her hometown. It was at Grand Indonesia. Of course there was no way that I would accompany her at arisan. I just took her there and showed her where the restaurant is. Then I went off heading to Gramedia Bookstore. Near the bookstore, there was a painting exhibition. The exhibition interested me so I went in.

There were lots of beautiful paintings. I had once dreamed of being a painter, but so far I’ve only managed to draw manga-like girl character from the neck up only–so sad. With at least one free hour at hand, I engrossed myself into those paintings. Yes, I looked at each brush, each eye, each mountain. There was a collection of 3D paintings, though I can’t remember who’s the painter. The 3D paintings were really cool. It was drawn on 3D canvas, that is, the canvas is not like a piece of paper, rather blocks. To enjoy the paintings, you’d have to walk left and right, front and back. The paintings really moved! It’s like, I really entered into those paintings.

However cool those 3D paintings were, the one that really caught me, talked to me was a painting of an eagle on a backdrop of golden orange sky. It was titled “Bebas”, or Freedom, which unfortunately I can’t remember its painter’s name, so no tribute here.

The orangy golden sky of that painting was the one that really captured me. The sky was so deep, so serene, so wide, so… free. It was like a deep blue ocean that just wanted to engulf you. And I wanted to be engulfed in that deep orange  sky. I wanted to be there. I wanted to breathe it. I wanted to float in it. But the eagle, the big eagle that adorned the painting at the centre, with its sharp eye, glistened with a  dot of white paint, looked at me fiercely, proudly. It said to me, “I own this. You can’t be here.” Yes, the eagle looked so free and so majestic–it seems to have power over that golden sky that I so envy. Yeah, I so envy that eagle for being able to be there. I couldn’t be there. I wanted to be there. But that eagle owned it. I wanted to rip that eagle from that painting so I could climb into it. I wanted to rip its eye and show him that he could not be so proud. But I couldn’t. And I envied him.

As I looked at that painting for so many minutes, that felt like hours, I stuck my tongue at it and I jeered. You are not free, I told that eagle. You are imprisoned in that painting, a two-dimensional realm. I am more free. I could move my hands as I pleased. I could go wherever I wanted. You? You are stuck there, in a position that your painter, your creator designed you to be. I am more free.

The eagle talked back to me. Yes, but I am in this golden sky that you are not. And you are not freer that I am.

I looked around me and I know. I too am imprisoned here on earth. I too am created, born into this world not on my own will, created into this physical body that I had not designed. But you, eagle with fierce eyes, were created by a created being, far less perfect than my creator.

Yes, I too am imprisoned. But I could move, while you are still hanging there, in a painting, on a wall, in an air-conditioned mega-mall in a city rotting with inequality and injustice.

As I moved away from it, trying to let myself go from this senseless conversation I was actually having with my ownself than with an imaginary eagle, I found myself hard to let my eyes go from that painting. In a moment I wanted to own that painting. Although of course, it was a thought I quickly dismissed. I didn’t look at the price tag of that painting but I am sure it runs in millions of rupiah. Like Apostle Peter said, Neither gold nor silver have I.

I did not have the time to look at all the paintings in that exhibition, but of all that I’d seen, this one painting captured me. It spoke to me. It has been quite a while that I had such moment. Art is amazing. It could really touch your soul.

Yes, proud eagle, I, like so many others I would bet, am imprisoned. I am imprisoned in my unknowingness, in my uncertainties of the future, in my weaknesses, in my hopelessness.

But I would remember–as I remember one night in that hospital room I was in for six days in a foreign city alone–God’s goodness to me. My history has showed me, as long as God has His mercy and love to me, one day, if I could choose to persevere, I would be free. I would fly higher than an eagle, and I would welcome a light that is shinier than the golden sun.
Jakarta,
Thursday, 10 March 2011, 7:54PM
-me-

Infinite God in Space and Time

A man visited the Land of Point. The people of this land only knew the place they are living in–one point. They do not know left and right. When the man told them that there was more than one point, they laughed at him.

The man then went on his journey to the Land of Line. Here the people went left and right. The man told them that they could go up and down, too, that there was a bigger space than they knew. The people at this land laughed at him.

The man continued onward to the Land of Plane. The people roam around left and right, up and down. So he told these people of his experience in the Land of Point and Land of Line. They both laughed at the idiocy of the people in the other two Lands. Then the man told the people of the Plane that actually they could go forward and backward too. The people turned back at the man and laughed at him too.

Sourly, the man went back to his home, a house where he could go up and down, left and right, forward and backward. He thought, how stupid the people of the Land of Point, the Land of Line, and the Land of Plane were. These people thought that the universe was all they knew, but oh were they wrong. The man then was satisfied that he knew better. The universe is bigger than point and line and plane. The universe is the universe he knew.

———

The above story is something I read somewhere–either on the Internet, some magazine, some book–years ago. It is an interesting story and made me think about the 4th, 5th, 6th, n-th dimension.

Some people said that the 4th dimension is time. I would rather separate shape and time. I see us–humans–as creatures of three-dimensional shape in a one-dimensional time. There may very well be, I think, at least a fourth dimension. The Bible mentions of the time the resurrected Jesus met his apostles who were meeting in closed room. Jesus just appeared among them, though the door was locked. I thought to myself, maybe Jesus was like an X-Men who could go through wall. Or, maybe he went into the locked room through the fourth dimension.

One time, my father told us his theory, also concerning point, line, plane, and ball. My father has come up with a lot of ridiculous theories, but this theory is one of the better ones. I guess you’d have to come up with a lot of trashy things to finally get a good one, no? My father’s theory (maybe his, or maybe adapted from somewhere else) is about explaining the infinity–or finiteness, for that matter–of space. So, generally we believe that space is infinite. One cannot measure the universe; it goes beyond our finite minds. But maybe, my father argues, that the universe is finite.

Suppose we see a line, and suppose that this line stretches infinitely to left and right. This is an infinite line. But is this really infinite? Suppose the line is a circle. It goes indefinitely to the left and indefinite to the right. There is no end. The line goes infinitely, but it goes in circle–thus the seemingly infinite line is finite.

Then suppose that the circle lies on a plane. Suppose that the plane is infinite. It goes indefinitely to left and right, up and down. Again, is this really infinite? If the plane is a ball, then the plane may go in all directions infinitely, but it is a finite sphere.

Our planet is a sphere–like a ball; it is therefore finite. All other planets and stars are spherical too. So all these balls lie in this space we call universe (okay, in galaxies, and galaxies in universe). Suppose, as we would like to think, the universe is infinite. It goes everywhere, in every direction that we can think of, indefinitely. Now, suppose–like the infinite line and the infinite plane–this space we know of is finite. It is in a shape that we cannot yet comprehend. It is finite in a dimension that we have not known yet.

Thus, my father said, our space is likely to be finite and there are likely to be other dimensions in this world. As a matter of fact, scientists also agree that our universe is finite. It is said, if I’m not wrong, that our universe is predicted to be about ten billion light years in diameter, and it is expanding.

Just on a side note, my father’s next theory is regarding the address of heaven. Where is heaven? Where do the heavenly beings reside? We only know that it is out there, definitely not on this earth and definitely not on Mount Olympus. It is out there, in space. We know that the moon orbits around the earth, and the earth orbits around the sun. It is said that in fact all the planetary objects orbit around the center of the galaxy, and galaxies are orbiting around another centre. Perhaps, my father said, that heaven is the centre of this universe, where all objects there are in the world revolve around. Well, who knows right? Then, where is hell?, one might ask us. Well, you see, we do not believe in the permanent existence of hell. The discussion on hell touches on the doctrines of spiritism, eternal nature of souls, existence of soul, even heaven itself–which are all not the point of this writing, unfortunately; it would be interesting, though, to bring these up sometime in the future.

Our minds, I think, can hardly comprehend the idea of infinity. As far as we can see, hear, touch, and barely know, we are finite beings. Humans are born and they die. Plants sprout and wither. Objects are made and destroyed. Thus it is. Christians generally believe that only God is infinite (some argue about the eternal nature of souls, but I would argue against that–the Bible specifically says that only God is eternal).

God is infinite. What does this mean?

As far as I know, the Bible describes the infinity of God in terms of time–eternal. “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End”, He said. We humans only know time in one point. We would like to think that we know time in a line–with past, present, and future making up the dots along the line. I somehow don’t think so. The time that we exist in is the present. It is neither the past nor the future–we are as we are in the now-ness of time. We cannot go back to the past and we are pushed forward to the future–we cannot choose to either go to the past or go to the future. In terms of time, we are the people of the Land of Point. There may be the Land of Line, of Plane, of Ball, and beyond. Humans as we are, are of a one-dimensional time (or maybe zero? I need a mathematician to enlighten me here).

So, what does it mean by the infinity of God? When I say God is infinite, it does not mean that there is an infinite number of gods, or the sorts. When I say God is infinite, I mean that God cannot be limited–neither by time nor space.

In our hearts, I believe, we cannot comprehend infinity. Yet, in our hearts, I also think, we cannot not think and believe in infinity. I never come close to death, but I think when we do, we are bound to ask, or even think in a hint, ‘Is this the end? Will there be more?’. I am no mathematician, but even we cannot accept a finite number. As long as there is space to write the number, we can continue writing a long, long line of numbers. Thus, in our incomprehension and yet belief, we assign a symbol for an infinite number, ∞, the number eight kicked down so that it lies on its belly (how else can I describe this symbol in words? Oh, goggles!). How can we then accept a God that is limited–limited in powers, knowledge, foreknowledge, wisdom, and even time and space.

So if God is infinite, and He is not bound or limited by space and time, then what are space and time? We think of a line that is part of a circle, that is part of a ball, that is part of space, and we can logically conclude that space is finite. I’ve stretched this reasoning further to describe time.

Does our infinite God stretch far and beyond, occupying space and time to places that have no ends? Then if God stretches far and beyond, occupying all, the whole universe is God! The trees, insects, air, and even humans–they may all be gods! Upon this, I knew I’m heading at the wrong direction. I definitely know that I am not god, neither are the chair I’m sitting on and the Macbook with which I am typing this (although, God, I love this Mac!).

Then, what is God? If we can even imagine Him contained in some way as objects of this space are, then how can this God be infinite? Sure, there is Jesus who claims to be God, whom I believe, but if I go there and argue about Jesus, I would be touching on the Trinity concept, which is an altogether different, and highly more complex, topic (which now I am very much tempted to write about, though with my limited understanding).

Suddenly, again when I was dozing off in the living room of the apartment I resided in while in Singapore last year, it came to me (bless that apartment, and all the buses I rode in, I had many thoughts while in them). I might have started to think about the concept of God from the wrong platform.

I have said that God is infinite, both in space and time, and many more. Therefore, why am I limiting my understanding of Him with space and time?

Christians, and perhaps the Jews too, believe that the world was created in six days, and upon the seventh God rested and He blessed that seventh day, thus the Sabbath. God created men on the sixth day, at the end of the whole creation process. He had first created the earth and sky and sea and plants and animals, before He created and put His highest creatures on this created world.

So, what if God also created space and time as the platforms in which we have our beings?

All this while I have thought of God in terms of space and time. Well, didn’t He say that He is the beginning and the end? Perhaps God only described Himself in terms of space and time because we could not comprehend the infinite nature of God–why, we ourselves cannot comprehend what infinity is and could only assign it the symbol of a goggle, ∞.

Thus, I hypothesized that perhaps space and time are also created things. They were created for God to put all His other creations (or at least all other creations that we know of now; there may be others, you know). We operate in space and time; this space and time is where we have our creativity and works and beings.

We often hear the expression: “I wish time would stop”, thus expressing the desire of the sayer to enjoy the moment longer. I thought of that expression one time, and I wonder how it would be like for time to stop. When I thought of it, it is impossible for time to stop because if it stops, all our being stop–how can then we enjoy the moment any longer for such enjoyment requires for time to flow? When our cells and all organisms move, grow, feel, experience, thus time flows. It seems, I thought, that time is an arbitrary concept to describe the momentum of all these beings. But what about inanimate object? Suppose this world only consists of an inanimate object and nothing else, does time cease to exist? Nothing moves, nothing breathes, nothing feels, nothing knows. No, even then I think the passage of time still exists and it still flows, regardless of the animation of objects. The existence of an object requires the existence of time as well as space.

Thus, I think God created this space and time for our platforms (or maybe more).

Therefore, I would like to think that our Infinite God is not in time and space. He is not bound by them. His existence does not require space and time, because if He does, how can he be infinite? How can an infinite One be contained in finite measures? He may be in space and time as He chooses to be, but He certainly is not bound and limited by them.

This raised a lot of new questions in me. It seems once a question is answered, a legion of other ones spring up–so it should be; Mati Satu, Tumbuh Seribu, right? Unfortunately, this is the point that I choose to stop, at least for now. I wish I were a nuclear scientist, or a Nobel-winning mathematician, but I am not. I was trained to think of accounts and programs and architectures. If it were otherwise, I would really like to push the thought further and further, for our God is so great and mighty and infinite and eternal, that there must be other cool things that He is.

Okay, my conclusion may be wrong and my thoughts may be all nonsense. Or many people may have thought about it too, considering the many humans that are living and have inhabited this earth. However, the journey of such thinking was to me an exciting one–ecstatic even. It’s something that I think everyone should personally go through–the journey of just thinking.

I do wish I could go many more miles, but I know I can’t–at least who I am now and where I am now, I can’t. This is also the point that I’m glad that I believe in eternity. You know, people sometimes have lists of books to read, places to go, things to do. There are so much things one can do and this lifetime is not enough. I too sometimes pity myself for not being able to do and experience a lot of things. Why, I can’t even seem to manage to go to Bangkok, my own birth place.

But why does it matter? I believe in eternity and heaven. Heaven is such a wonderful place. If only we could go there, then we would have all eternity and all powers and all possibilities to read all the books we want, to travel to faraway places, galaxies, universes, and see the most beautiful things that eyes could behold, to solve mysteries unsolved before–or even unknown in our earthly lives, and to even finally be able to ask our God directly, “What are you?”–that would probably be the best thing. I do not know if I’ll be there, but I really do wish I will, for there are endless–endless–possibilities there; unfortunately, no one goes to heaven only by wishful thinking. Well anyhow, I save up some questions for the time there, should I reach it (if not, then it is pointless to have questions too, no?). Other people, though, may be able to have further questions and greater discoveries even now, and perhaps one day I too can read about them.

Thus for now, this is as far as I shall go thinking about the infinite nature of God. Then again, to think of it, what does one gain to think of such things. It does not save people, for who are saved only by knowing?

 

Jakarta,
Friday, 7 January 2011, 7:02PM
-me-

 

Virgin Mother

The concept of a virgin mother is no foreign concept to Christians, and I think Muslims too (if I am not wrong, the Quran also said that Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus or the Prophet Isa). Yet, this concept should be a bafflement in the scientific world. Unless Mary is an amoeba or Jesus is the identical twin of Mary who happened to lay dormant in Mary’s womb (I read an article about such occurrence in real world, wow–of course the other twin is pretty much dead though), there is no way that a woman gives birth without a man.

The angel Gabriel said to Mary regarding the conception of Christ, as recorded in the Bible:

“The Holy Ghost shall come on you, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow you: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of you shall be called the Son of God.” (Luke 1:35).

There are two points to note in the words of Gabriel: (1) that the child Mary was to conceive came from the Holy Ghost and (2) that the child shall be called the Son of God. The first pertains to the virginity of Mary and the miraculous conception of Jesus, and the latter pertains to the status and being of this child that was to be born. The second has been the source of contention between people of different religions and sects, and the discussion on the matter is aplenty. The matter of interest in this writing is of the first.

How can a virgin give birth? Scientifically speaking. After all, with faith we can believe anything.

When I was in eighth grade, I think, it was quite popular to go into chatrooms online and chat with random people. My friends sometimes faked their identities, just to have fun. I, for some reason, have never chosen to thrill myself in that way. Even behind the veil of anonymity, I don’t lie, generally. So it is in one of these chatrooms that I argued with some stranger over the conception of Christ. It was that same exact question: How can a virgin give birth?

The guy on the other end of the line argued that it is impossible for a woman to have a child without a man. He argued that genetically it is impossible. Who is giving the child half of its genes? God? Is this God with whom Mary conceived the child has physical being so as to have genes to bestow to Jesus?

So I, an eight grader then who only studied basic biology, was being trampled by an atheist on the other side of the line (yeap, a proclaimed atheist).

This short chat left me a deep impression. Instead of having my faith shaken, I was so sure that science would one day explain all the mysteries of the Bible–of why an ass could talk, or the Red Sea could be parted, or how five loaves of breads and two fish could feed 5,000, or how a virgin could give birth to a baby boy. The wonders I came to know in the Biology classes I had in high school almost–almost–led me to the path of a scientist or a doctor. But thanks to a Business school, I said goodbyes to the nerdy scientist that I very well could become (I think I became a rather nerdy auditor, instead. Yikes.).

It was not in one of the Biology classes when I marveled at the genius tiny cells we had, or when I was doing Bio or Chem labs, or even when I was having some sort of Biblical argument or Bible studies, that I came across the theory of how a virgin could give birth. It was probably during one of the lonely bus rides or the time I spaced out in front of the TV in Singapore that I thought of the theory–it was such a simple theory that I felt foolish when I thought about it; everyone in the world might have already known about it and there I was, after so many years, finally being enlightened when I was already in my early 20s.

More than ten years ago, I was let by the atheist online to argue on the matter on the basis that Jesus is the biological son of a god. I knew he is not, but still I tried to argue on the basis of–what the atheist insisted–genes.

The point to note is this: Jesus is neither the biological child of God nor of Mary. He is the son of Mary on the basis that he grew up in Mary’s womb and was given birth by Mary. For all we know, an adopted son can call the woman who adopts him ‘Mother’, but that does not make this ‘Mother’ the source of the adopted child’s being.

Jesus is not the biological child of God because that would make God a biological being–or at least becoming a biological form before impregnating the mother. Our God is not Zeus who impregnated a woman and gave birth to Hercules (although there is a record of Zeus taking the form of a swan and poured golden droplets on a woman and impregnated her, and hello, Perseus!)–this would not make the woman a virgin because she would have, in some way, gone through a sexual intercourse.

The argument on what it means when Jesus is called the Son of God touches on the core of the Trinity–a highly complex concept that is implied in the Bible but is still debated by different sects. Trinity states that there is one God who is manifested in three persons. I’m not sure if this concept still baffles Bible scholars and pastors, but I have heard very few pastors who could explain this concept logically and clearly. Many resorted to saying “We believe in faith” or “God is grander than us, how can we explain fully the nature of God” to do away with explaining Trinity properly. What nonsense. Well, I too don’t know how to properly explain it, and thankfully I’m not a pastor. I have some theory but that is not the point of this writing.

The point is, can a virgin give birth?

Our science has advanced much further than the possible answer to this question. Considering that my 16-year-old cousin was conceived in vitro, me arguing about this with a random guy some ten years ago is really stupid.

In vitro fertilization means a test tube conception. Sperm and egg are culturally combined on a petri dish (I think, what do I know; I’m not online so I can’t google) and the fertilized egg is implanted again into the mother’s womb. So what if it is not implanted into the mother’s womb, but into another woman’s womb, one who is not biologically related to the fertilized egg? Will there be complication as one would have with organ transplantation? Again, what do I know. But it has been proved possible. In Singapore I read the news of an Indian woman being the surrogate mother to a child of a Japanese couple (then the couple divorced and there was this whole legal issue on the status of the child).

Surrogacy could very well explain the conception of Jesus in Mary’s womb, without the help of a man.

Jesus is not biologically conceived. He does not have biological father and mother. There is no sperm and egg meeting up, I would say. The argument I had with the online atheist more than a decade ago is pointless as it has assumed that there is female contributor to the genes of the fetus, and likewise has assumed that there is a male contributor. There are no contributors. Here I have assumed that Christ is God, as he proclaimed numerous times in the Gospels. He is not a son in a biological sense; he is a son of God in that he–as a son would usually be–portrays God in characters and powers.

This is my theory: Mary was a surrogate mother and the fertilized egg that would become Jesus Christ was implanted in her womb. Thus, Mary, who had never known a man, in her virginity became pregnant, through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Who is this fertilized egg and what genes were making it up are the questions about the divinity of Jesus Christ. It is the question on the Trinity–which is interesting to write about too, some other time.

Isn’t it fascinating how scientific breakthrough gives us a glimpse of how cool God is? I wonder how heaven would really look like–I think it would be something a bit sci-fi.

So, it turns out that with our current technology, it is possible to create virgin births. Why, I could volunteer tomorrow to be a surrogate mother and be a Virgin Mother. How cool. Okay, not really–that would be weird.

Jakarta,
Thursday, 6 January 2010, 12:51AM
-me-