What to do when you can’t pray? What to do when you’re at loss with words? What to do when you don’t even know what to write–and you’d always thought yourself as a writer?
I want to vomit. I want to cry out. But I can’t even write into this trash can, to throw away everything that’s bulging inside my belly, that’s so swollen that I think it’s hurting my heart.
Can I call unto my God, the one and only, the faithful and merciful?
I have not been faithful, neither have I been merciful.
This seems like a bad marriage, and I do not want to turn back just because of my need. Hush my prayers. No longer shall I speak of desires and wants and needs. It is not about pride. It is about… not knowing where this relationship is going, or where am I going, or where you are going? You, the Master, do as you will. I shall grind my teeth and swallow my sighs, and probably let slip a few tears.
…… Deep down, as you probably have always, always known, I still hope that you’ll still be there, that you’ll extend your hand to me, and embrace me and bring me where I should be, like you have always done. I can only look back at our history to know that you have always, always been faithful. That imprint of one set of feet on the sand was of you–I was, always, the one who left. And deep down, I hope that I’ll return, again, and again.
I’m just wondering, how long will you be waiting for me? When will I commit the sin agains the Holy one? When will my ears finally be deaf to your loud calling? When will I finally be blind, forever asleep, even in fire?
Why did you not call me when I was with you, when we were happier? Why did you not put me to rest when I could still smile in my sleep?
I grew up to believing that there is something grandiose that I will do, that I will stand to the end to welcome you. And I can only hope that this is the reason that I am still here.
But now I am at loss. And I can only write this useless cryptic sigh.
for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered
Jakarta
Thursday, 7 April 2011, 11:08PM
-me-
Recent Comments