So I was re-reading the old posts, mostly whiny posts, instead of going to sleep at this 2 o’clock in the morning. I came across a post made some time in 2008, about a dream of an old memory, and a deep longing for it. Again in mid-2009 I wrote about this incessant idee fixe over something that should have been long forgotten.
In my sighs and unspoken desires — something that I am quite sure I would not be asking God, for even a chance of a reunion — I suddenly realized, God listened to my sighs. In the tenth month of last year, my old memory revisited me, afresh. What started as a humble request soon turned to be a regular correspondence, sharing the old days, the new ones, the faraway skies, and the hard grounds. Not so much tugs, and as for me, a little restrain. I do not want to go on a whirlwind journey towards the unknown sky, which I know if I ever did, I would go on that journey as a lone traveller in my own dream.
When I think of it, how can this be so? The memory that I came only to cherish from a little peek now and then, from the old stories I have kept, and from the unruly dreams — it came to me, solid and warm, like I remember it to be. A privilege, for me. Darn you. Darn me. I do not know how long this would go on, and where this would lead. It will lead nowhere, I know, but frankly, I do not want this to end — ah, the memory of my good friend, wouldn’t it be nice if this continued? Not to the faraway sky or even caressing the sun — I’ll reserve that for the one and only — but at least as the ray of sun that dances through the leaves.
And to think that I never even asked God for this. But He listened. He listened to the groanings of my heart.
Why do then I doubt? Why do then I give up? Why do then I become apathetic? This is the God who led me through my tribulations, who held me tight when I wanted to run away, who waited for me when I wandered off, whose paths I could not understand yet had Himself stayed true to me. You have heard the groanings of my heart, even when I myself could not bring myself to utter them, even to groan them. And I know — deep down I know — you’re listening to these groanings in my heart even now at this second, and still waiting for me, and understanding my recklessness and rebellions again and again. Oh the Lord of great endurance, whose mercy passes all reasons, of whom I am not worthy — no, not worthy at all. Oh how I can understand a little, though a little, the heart of David the shepherd, the King, the apple of Your eye… Indeed, You are worthy, I am not.
This trouble… this heartache… this confusion… this loss… this too will come to pass.
Dear God, I shall remember Your faithfulness and count my good blessings.
Jakarta
Friday, 8 April 2011, 2:35AM
-me, groaning to my Lord again-
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